Basic Cat Rules

1. Chairs and Rugs: if you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If no oriental rug, shagpile is as good.
   
2. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain and snow.
   
3. Guests: Quickly determine which guests hate cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can arrange to have Whiska's salmon and trout on your breath so much the better.
   
4. For sitting in laps or rubbing against trousers, select a fabric colour which contrasts well with your fur, for example, white furred cats go to black wool clothing.
   
5. For the guest who claims to 'love kittens' be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankles.
   
6. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey : 'but you allow me on the table when company isn't here'
   
7. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It's not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
   
8. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called 'helping', otherwise known as 'hindering'. the following are the rules for hindering: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance at being stepped on and picked up and consoled. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless of course you can lie across the book itself
   
9. Play: it is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch the mouse or king of the hill on their bed between 2 and 4 am
   
10. If you begin people training early you will have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
    
11. If your human has net curtains use your claws on them to ensure that the holes are big enough for them to see out.
    
12. When lying with your human in bed at night always occupy the centre so that they have access to the six inch strip down the side. This ensures an easy exit for them if they have to use their flushing litter tray through the night.
    
13. Make sure you remove any decorative pieces of cloth from around the window area by running up them and hanging on with your claws until they fall. This way your humans can not only see out better but the window is more accessible for cleaning.
    
14. When sitting on a 2 or 3 seat sofa always sit on the side that the humans prefer to sit on - just so that you can keep the chair warm for them.
    
15. When expecting to be fed at 5am in the morning, just sit on the humans chest in bed and stare at them - they will understand what you want.
    
16. When humans buy new house plants - remember they are scratching posts with strange green stuff at the top.