Preparing for Your New Cat

Essential instructions to prepare your home for that new arrival.

1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.

2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.

3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

4. Put everything cat-toy-sized into a water bowl to marinate.

5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when the cat steals from your plate, he won't take the whole breast.

6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).

7. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favourite TV program and run to the TV, shouting "No! No! Don't chew on the electric cord!" Miss the end of the program.

8. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

9. Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with a sharp blade. It's going to get scratched anyway.

10. Practice searching every cupboard and open cabinet door before you shut it.

11. Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.

12. Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.

13. Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while it's still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.

14. Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.

15. Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some chocolate rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.

16. Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.

17. Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

There now, once you've done all these, you've passed the test, and are ready to take on that little furry critter!